"Movies Rock" Didn't

In a world where the Oscars are still relatively watchable I would like to issue a general plea that we please, please not infect the film industry with the rampant uncoolness of that lumbering water-ox known as the televised music industry extravaganza. They somehow never fail to be anything but profoundly cheesy, even when packed with such world-class artists as Mary J. Blige and uh...Mary J. Blige.

I first knew I was in for a world of hurt when last month's issue of Lucky arrived bundled with copy of Conde Nast's Movies Rock publication, a spin off of the glitzy fashion-music thing, Fashion Rocks. Before the inevitable "50 Greatest Soundtracks Ever!" piece, I came across a smiling picture of longtime Spielberg collaborator Kathleen Kennedy who kindly informed me that music is a part of why people love the movies. "That's what we want to remind everyone," she said. I was encouraged to tune in for "an all-star celebration of celluloid and song."

Now, as someone who is so into film music that she writes a blog about it, you'd think I'd be thrilled. In fact, you'd think I'd pretty much have "target market" painted on my forehead for an event like this, but no—I could see little squiggly lines of suck coming off this beast from ten miles away. 

Firstly, there's the title. It's possible that it might be time for us all to stop saying that things "rock" for awhile. Clearly the word is reaching a point of near meaninglessness when an event entitled "Movies Rock" can feature so much music that just does not. Here are just a few of the big numbers performed that night  which may or may not be great songs, but which in no way "rock":

• Somewhere Over the Rainbow (performed by Beyonce)
• As Time Goes By (performed by Mary J. Blige and John Legend)
• Somewhere (performed by Jennifer Hudson)
• Singin' In The Rain (performed by Usher)
• Hey Big Spender (performed by Queen Latifah)
• Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend (performed by Nicole Scherzinger)
• The Sound of Music (performed by Carrie Underwood)

The actual rock and hip-hop numbers, if you can call them that, were depressingly bland. Chris Brown's tepid "Jailhouse Rock" contained exactly none of the buzz of the genre's early days. The young girls screaming were just an offstage cue...a thin, scripted echo of headier times. Fergie's performance of "Live and Let Die" was a sprawling, deeply unfresh mess of Solid Gold era vamping and unitardery, and not even the raw charisma and energy of Busta Rhymes could save an emasculated sounding "Theme from Shaft" as sung by Will.I.Am and waaaay too many others.

And what once-in-a-lifetime extravaganza would be complete without the dreaded medley? Good ol' John Williams carried that barely flickering torch, rearranging his scores of his scores so that they'd flow together in the exact way that makes me feel like sticking a hot knitting needle in my eye. Yes, it was a lush, orchestral performance that also, uh...did not rock.

At last the two and a half hour event began to draw to a close when Jennifer Lopez wished everyone a "white Christmas" as a string of Santa-clad showgirls swayed on stage as Tony Bennett sang along with Dead Bing Crosby, projected onto a screen behind him. All the performers were trotted back out on stage for the big sing-along finish that, you guessed it! Failed to rock.

(But JLo got her wish. It was the whitest moment of 2007.)

Is Amerian Idol taking over for real? Forcing us to dwell forever in the palimpsest, mindlessly re-living pop culture hits of yore like some karaoke bar in hell? The Grammys are practically unwatchable these days—a near joke, a televised reminder of how moribund the mainstream music industry seems lately and now along comes Movies Rock, a Hollywood dog-and-pony show that doesn't know the difference between a good soundtrack and a Broadway show tune? Why was it all like... 1954 up there?

I don't have the answers, but I do know that an overproduced prime-time publicity behemoth like Movies Rock is pretty much the last place you're likely to find anything remotely resembling a great film-music moment, classic or otherwise. If at this point you still have an appetite for a television event that honors great performance and doesn't suck, try the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Awards on March 10th, usually airing on VH1. Some of the performances are genuinely stirring, some of the moments totally unscripted, and some of the music...actual rock.